..:: Kellog ::..


Monday, December 30, 2002

Oh, yeah. I will be leaving for Europe (Paris-Barcelona-Madrid-Bordeax-Paris...tentatively) in about 10 hours. Direct flight to Paris in 16 hours. Whee! Yay modern transportation.

Looking forward to an obscene amount of fun. Yay youth.
kellykelly, 12/30/2002 09:07:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
I love great designs. My new Northface backpack (the big backpacker's type) is awesome. The design is just perfect. All for $68 at the Northface outlet. Marked down from $195. It was probably made by factory ladies in China at the cost price of 5 bucks. But it still feels like a great deal. The guy at the Outlet counter apparently designed that very backpack when he worked at Northface. And he spent 10 minutes demonstrating to me all its features, while a single line of customers formed behind me. But he was so enthusiastic about it that I fell in love with the bag even more. It fulfils all my needs. I managed to pack 2 weeks worth of stuff in there (zip-lock bags are the key to packing, really. Zip-lock bags...another great invention), with space to share. And it all compresses into one nice package. That I can carry on my back, or use the oh-so-practically-sewn straps at the side and carry like a normal duffel. And it comes with a detachable smaller backpack that I can carry-on the plane and take it with me as I tour around and use as a campus backpack when I return. It's perfect.

I'm looking at the HP-laptop keyboard I'm typing on now and am wondering why on earth they don't put the page-up/down keys next to the arrow-up/down keys like my own Acer keyboard does. It's a simple convenient little feature. As people scroll up or down, they would probably alternate between the up-down arrows and the faster page-up/down keys right? Or am I the only one? And the backspace key is not next to the delete key, which is another feature that my Acer keyboard has...when you wanna erase something, you are either using the backspace key to erase backwards, or delete keys to erase letters in front. Logically, people would alternate between the two, and the two that performs such similar functions should be next to each other. Right? Right? Or is it just me again? Maybe I'm just used to my own keyboard. But all-of-the-above just feels so logical to me.
kellykelly, 12/30/2002 08:51:00 pm | link | 3 comments |

Sunday, December 29, 2002

How perfect is this present? And the moment was just perfect too.

So I was bitching to Douglas yesterday about stupid Techsavings. Specifically for my Europe vacation (I leave on the 30th), I ordered an extra memory card (128 fun-filled MBs) from buy.com, which arrived early this week, and an extra battery from techsavings for my Kelph, which was, I discovered, sent out only yesterday, which meant that I'm not gonna get it before I leave, which defeated the whole purpose. So I was gonna have to refuse the package, get a refund and probably find it in Europe or something.

And Douglas walks over to his bag and hands me a brand new battery that he got for me days ago.

He's my angel and hero right now.

kellykelly, 12/29/2002 10:24:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Friday, December 27, 2002

Ooo...this is fun! I realize I know how to put pictures up here. Yay technology. A Luddite (learnt that word from here), pas moi.

I was sifting through the tons of pictures I took with my Kelph. And I realize I miss my parents tons. This picture struck me somehow. I really like their expressions (and they're one gorgeous couple, are they not?) And my Mummy has this cute habit of pressing her face reallyyyy tight against mine whenever we take pictures nowadays.

Family-time is strange. We get on each other's nerves when we're in close proximity for too long a period, but we still love and miss each other when we're not together. I've really the most awesome parents.

I wrote about my parents in an email to Douglas recently: "I just do think very highly of my parents. Maybe that's why I adore my brother this much too. I think with such great parents, it's kinda hard to go very wrong. They were incredibly strict with us when we were young, but knew how and when to let go at the appropriate times of our lives. I do still believe I'm kinda fucked up in the head sometimes, with weird propensities, but not in an awful life-corroding way. So it's really kudos to them. I'm lucky...I do have a very cool family. I do adore them all. That's why I keep taking pictures of them. I keep wanting to capture every candid expression on their faces...There's something about loving people and wanting to capture their natural expressions. I love my Kelph for letting me do that."

Maybe in my Asian way (where we never explicitly express love...yeesh, I don't even feel comfortable typing that word when referring to family. Nothing wrong with that. It's a cultural thing/habit.), I put that snippet of an email out here to indirectly let them know that I do *ahem* love and miss them. Even though my (sometimes) aloof/moody/bitchy self projects otherwise.
kellykelly, 12/27/2002 05:36:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
Oh, here's a stupid little thing I did with my Kelph (digital camera). I took a picture of my actual desk in my room and used it as a desktop wallpaper on my laptop. An actual desktop as my desktop. How cheesy is that? But aww, my Kelph is just the coolest thing to play with! Here's my messy desktop:

I've never placed pictures up here before. I hope this turns out ok.
kellykelly, 12/27/2002 05:07:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
I spent 4 hours at The Canvas Gallery in the afternoon and another 5 hours at Barnes & Nobles in the night reading 'Anna Karenina'. My eyes hurt. But that book is just blowing my mind.

I tend to judge the greatness of a book by how messy the book gets with my underlining/notes...whenever I read something that makes me nod my head, or gets my brain ticking, I mark it out. A habit that came from Mr Purvis, which is, I think, a nice li'll habit to have. I get quite weird about it too, at times furiously underlining it two, three times, as if that'll make sure I'd never forget that passage, because I don't want to. Then you see 3 lines, with little asteriks with circles around them at the side of the book. You should see the inked mess I've made in this book. I've had people ask me why I do it ("you're not reading it for school are you? Why are you making notes?"), and have had tons of you-are-strange looks from it. Screw 'em. Because certain passages strike me at particular episodes of my life, and it's interesting to pick out a book 2 years after I read it and wonder why I marked that passage out. Because when I highlight, make little notations, or put dates down, that only I would understand, I remind my 2 year older self why I marked it out and remember certain significant events in my life then and understand my actions and previous perceptions more. Because that passage is just so brilliantly written, and makes me understand what true genius is, and makes me feel so incredibly stupid, that I just have to mark it out, and maybe quote it later when it applies, because I'd never ever be able to achieve that great level of writing and expression.

And 'Anna Karenina' is just chock full of beautiful passages. Just astounding, weird, subtle, amazing observations about people. He takes you on an adventure...with every character in the book, he makes you change your mind about them all the time, he makes you hate them (I've a few "bitch!" notations I write on impulse regarding certain annoying characters in the book. And again, you ask, how weird/sad is this Kelly? Well, this weird/sad.), love them, feel sorry for them, feel contempt, grief, hope, joy (many times all at once)...above all, he makes us understand them. There's just so much literary analysis to be done about that book, but I don't wanna go into that because whatever I write about it can never do this great novel justice. Plus, there's tons of it out there already. Plus, I hate literary jargon/bullshit. Well, granted, people who truly can emphatize and write can do it well, and do well to help me further understand the novel. But there are many that kill the simple joys of reading and understanding with (attempted) high-brow literary shite. Plus I doubt my ability to do the former, and fear my propsensity to fall into the latter because I'm incapable of the former. So I'd rather just read and enjoy (and write in the most general terms in my blog my genuine feelings about this book: I LOVE IT)

I feel for this book the way I feel for 'The Mill on the Floss' by George Eliot. I see myself picking up this book 10 years later, trying to understand myself through the lives of these fictional characters. Maybe I'm falling into the trap of falling in love with fiction. But you can get so much understanding of human behavior and character through reading great works like that. And I've discovered that I not only enjoy applying what I learn through reading to my real life interactions and observations, I need that. That's why I can't go long without itching for something great to read. I get into phases where I haven't had the time to read/reflect/introspect and I get uncomfortable...like I'm letting life and my actions pass me by without significance or thought. It's that anal (and narcissistic) part of me that wants and needs to understand everything about me, and the people I interact with. Screw all that Dr. Phil/Oprah shit. Really. I've seen them. Oprah's ok, cos I like her somehow. But that Dr. Phil irks me. That preachy self-righteous air about him is just so annoying. They spend the entire hour explaining to just the most clueless people why they've acted the way they act, or why they are the way they are, and 'reveal' to them some great self-revelation shit in this grand way, like it was this big mystery they reveal, but it was so blatantly obvious in the first place. To me at least. Uh-oh, am I falling into the intellectual-snobbery trap (lah-di-dah, I read all these books, I'm so smart)? Maybe. I try not to though. But I'm highly irked by people who state the obvious, not as the obvious, but as some great statement that they and only they have discovered and want to project to the rest of us mediocre people. Bah. Then I just become an ass and say "geez, dude...just pick up a good classic novel and read it. It's all there already. You think you're smart? Read this."

So in my complete admiration and love for genius, I am in danger of (a) complete self-depracation, (b) impatience and (c) intolerance:
(a) because I now know genius, and know my own sad sad mediocrity. Alas! To be the mere appreciator. Ah well.
The only way I can describe (b) is like having a favorite song that you really really like, and you are asking your friend to listen to it. And your friend just goes, "yeah, it's fine". Of course he's not gonna be liking it as much as you do, because songs have such individual effects. But you can't believe that such a great song should be so un-appreciated. And you go "no no no, you don't understand! Wait! Listen to it again! Listen to this part! Lemme rewind it for you. You need to love this song as much as I do! I'm getting such joy from it, I want you to love and enjoy it too!" But it's all in vain, and you know it. So I'm reading all these absolutely great books, and having just so much fun, and learning so much from them, that I just want everyone to read too! Well, ok, so tons of people read much more than I do, and are far more intelligent in comprehending and apply what they read. And there're tons of people out there who introspect and apply their own experiences and observations just as wonderfully without reading a single novel. So ok. I should just try to be less anal about (b)
(c)is what scares me, because I find myself increasingly intolerant of mediocrity. Not only my own (refer to (a)), but what surrounds me. Clueless people. Superficial people. People who think too highly of themselves when they ain't shit. People who cannot understand other people. People who are intolerant of other people. Oops...isn't that my own (c) then? That's the scary part. If I'm intolerant of intolerant people, am I not the latter as well? Does that even make sense?
kellykelly, 12/27/2002 04:22:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Okay, once again, I understand that placing the value of my self-worth on grades that, (a) say nothing about the level of intellect I possess (which is of a non-impressive standard, I know) and (b) don't really matter on the grand scale of life, is delusory...

...but fuck sensibility and yay transient happiness: I got As for both Game Theory and History (of modern China). While I'm still waiting my grades for my 2 other courses, I'm already swimming in self-congratulations. So forgive and ignore me while I allow myself to insufferably indulge in myself for a while. Just because I worked my ass off for it. Hurrah Hurrah. I couldn't have gotten myself a better Christmas present.

Merry Christmas all!
kellykelly, 12/25/2002 11:13:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
So me and Alex were talking a nice 2-hour stroll down by Crystal Springs yesterday. After which, we trotted around the shops in San Mateo. He does have his moments:

On those plastic American flags they sell by the counter of every other grocery store: (picks one up and waves it around) Wheee! Now, I wonder if they sell Iraqi flags?

On the boxes of yoga sets, with I guess the mat, instructions, etc, in 'em: So do they come with the wisdom too?

Maybe you had to be there...
kellykelly, 12/25/2002 09:47:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
I just want to give out one big fat ahhhhhhhh-sigh right now.

After the frenzy of the finals, brother's graduation, more finals, parents' visit with dinners, relatives, shopping, walks, day trips, drives, nagging, cooking, talking, eating, laughing, and all the good stuff that comes with the family, I now sit here completely alone in my room, fresh from the shower in my big stupid looking flannel pyjamas, listening to my mp3 playlist titled "Chill" (The Roots, Everything But the Girl, Morcheeba, Les Nubians, St. Germain, Stan Getz...), with my Tolstoy book waiting for me, and I've never felt more content.

Spending time with people I love and care for is awesome, but above all, they give me the security to truly enjoy my solitude.
kellykelly, 12/25/2002 12:55:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, December 22, 2002

Ok, so this is a weeeee bit disconcerting. I joined the Rice Bowl Journals site about a week ago cos I found the link to it on my friend's blog, and the name cracked me up. So I found this whole community of blogs, many from Singapore too. Kinda interesting. I always thought blogs were known through and among friends and friends of friends. Then I click on the website today and see my face staring at me on their homepage. Apparently I'm "currently at No. 1". It'll probably not be there by the time you get there. But it is still kinda freaky. I'd like to think it's my picture that garnered the hits. That'll be a nice li'll self-delusion for the day. But I think the fact that I share the exact same moniker as this Hong Kong pop star, whom I don't give a shit about but is apparently very popular in Singapore/Asia (and therefore, the "Rice Bowl Journals" (gee, that name still cracks me up and I don't really know why) surfers), made people curious.

Sorry to disappoint.

But welcome to reading this.
kellykelly, 12/22/2002 06:27:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
I was walking in Union Square yesterday and Christmas is definitely in the air. You can't avoid it. That big gorgeous Christmas tree, the Christmas lights, the Christmas sales. I do love holidays. You can gripe that all the joy and festivity is illusory. But I don't care. Maybe it's the illusion I love. I think I wrote about what I make of festivals in my blog entry on Halloween. I will find that whole Shakespeare quote about it one day. I knew I studied about it in 'As You Like It'. And I'd love to find it again. But the anticipation of festivals has always been my main event, not the festival itself.

See, my father's birthday falls on Christmas eve, and we've traditionally had a big party for him in our house every year. Christmas Eve then becomes the main event for our family and Christmas itself becomes the mere "day after". When I think about it, I have always felt that eves of festivals feels more like the main event than the Big Day itself. The anticipation bears more joy for me than the anti-climax that usually happens with any expectation, which one inevitably feels for any event of significance. Plus, not only the eves...the anticipation always stretches for a few days, or even weeks (*insert background song '12 days of Christmas' here*) . What do you get on the Big Day itself? One miserable 24 hour Day, most of which would be spent feeling sad that it's gonna end soon. Bah humbug then?

Another thing about Christmas not having been, in itself, a significant part of my family life: I can fully enjoy Christmas because it has never been a significant event in my life. It struck me yesterday while shopping with Joey in downtown SF for Christmas presents he had to get, and he was telling me about how he wished he could enjoy the "Christmassy air" that I said I felt that day, because of the what-to-get worry. I suddenly felt thankful that I'm not bogged with the pressure of getting punctual perfect presents. (oops...I probably lost a few new friends I've recently made right there.)

Ok, well, just one pressure: what to get for my Papa? Damn.
kellykelly, 12/22/2002 02:50:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Friday, December 20, 2002

Oh, and chalk one up for independent living, will ya?

After picking my parents up from SFO last night and dropping them off at my place, I disappeared to Teddy's who so kindly offered me his lovely photogenic loft to study for my final final. Came home after the exam in the afternoon and my previously grossly neglected home was unrecognisably clean. Vacuumed, mopped, laundried, washed, packed.

I love my independent sans mère-et-père life in Berkeley...but just once in a while, especially when completely drained by work work work, it's so lovely to indulge yourself as Mummy-and-Papa's little girl, always unconditionally loved and looked after.
kellykelly, 12/20/2002 10:20:00 am | link | 0 comments |
And so the finals ended with a bang. My game theory final rocked because none of the work I put in the night before went to waste.
The Thursday 8-11am Kelly was profusely thanking her yesterday self for fighting the fatigue and studying concepts and writing down notes without which she wouldn't have been able to solve the problems in front of her.

The 2pm about-to-be-napping Kelly sniggered at the sleep-deprived pre-final Kelly as she blissfully closed her eyes into sweet sleep while the room spins around her.

The winter-break Kelly now thanks her overworked pre-final self for allowing her to fully appreciate the oasis of "delicious do-nothing days" (George Eliot, 'The Mill on the Floss') before her, for prior agony just makes current deserved bliss so much sweeter.
kellykelly, 12/20/2002 10:07:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Kelly's beautiful digital elph camera will henceforth be known as Kelph
Kelph is Kelly's new toy.
Kelly is in love with Kelph.
Kelph gives Kelly tons of fun and joy
Kelly is fascinatied by Kelph.
Kelph is distracting Kelly from studying for her Game Theory final on Thursday.
Kelly must stop playing with Kelph now.
And Kelly must quit referring to herself as a third person now before she reveals how nuts she is.
kellykelly, 12/18/2002 06:09:00 am | link | 0 comments |
Ohh...sleep sleep, beautiful sleep, the "chief nourisher in life's feast" (Macbeth)

The weekend at my brother's was certainly a re-nourishing rest for me. I completely compensated for the 2 weeks of 3-hour sleep-nights. I not only slept beautifully (as in the sleep itself was beautiful...sleeping beautifully is quite the impossible task, really. It only happens in movies.) at night, I slept almost throughout my flights there and back. Especially when the flight from Chicago to SFO was bankrupt-ly empty. I had three seats to gloriously stretch out on and I was out like a light.

And now, Evil Procrastination is besetting upon mine head. The temptress lured me in and now, 2 sleepless nights beckons.

kellykelly, 12/18/2002 06:09:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Monday, December 16, 2002

It was my brother's commencement ceremony today. Here are some of the thoughts running through my head during the 2 1/2 hour long ceremony:

God! Look at all these people. I wonder what are each of these people thinking of? What did they do an hour ago? What do they feel right now and why. All the stories each soul must have. Hey, it's kinda weird of me imagining weird shit like that. But in a way, it's kinda neat to have an inner life like that, very convenient. I never get bored...just cos it's self-entertaining. No matter how stupid it is. Oh no matter how nuts it makes me look that I'm thinking to myself and writing about it publically right now...

Hearing a voice reading out hundreds of names one by one in a monotone is extremely soporific...I feel lulled by that...zzzz.....

Boy, I really do love 'The Economist'. Now I know how Adobe Acrobat reader (you know your computer has it too) got to be so wide-spread. Gee, I finally know what Chapter 11 is all about. I mean, I knew what bankruptcy technically was, but never really understood how it worked. I so love the random bits of information that I get from this magazine. Information that I can throw out in future conversations and blog entries and pretend I'm actually clever.

Wheeeee!! My new digital camera KICKS ASS! ooohh....check out the pictures I took just now....neat! Hey, people look so much better in candid shots. I love that this digital camera lets me take photos discretely. My mummy looks so cute when she's laughing.

Where...is...my...brother? *craning neck excitedly to spot him going up on stage* Ohhh....there he is *squinting* eyes.

I am SO proud of my brother. He's the cutest thing. awww...look at him go...awww....look at my proud parents....aww....

Boy, I'm really glad I flew up here, even for a day to watch all of this.
kellykelly, 12/16/2002 11:05:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Friday, December 13, 2002

Again. I love quoting people. My great literature teacher Mr Purvis just emailed me back. At the end of his email, he wrote about George Eliot's writing and in this one short phrase, he perfectly explains why I read:

"I've just re-read 'Scenes From A Clerical Life' - and marvelled once again at Ms Eliot's wonderful way of phrasing our dilemmas and the heart-warming sympathy she makes us feel towards each other in our search for love and meaning."

Lovely. Perfect. I couldn't have said it better, Mr P.
kellykelly, 12/13/2002 01:59:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, December 12, 2002

Amidst the agony of intense studying, a sanity-saving minute of laughter: listening to Teddy and Eric rap to Vanilla Ice's 'Ice, Ice, Baby' verbatim...with sincere enthusiasm.

uh-oh...they are playing Sir Mix a lot's 'Baby Got Back' right now. Welcome to misogynic rap hell.

uh-oh...Kriss Kross is next on the playlist. Welcome to 80s bad music hell.

Eric says "Now this is American culture right here."

Eric says "See, I'm white, but I so wanted to be black when I was a kid. I thought I was."

And so, Kelly's understanding of American culture deepens...
kellykelly, 12/12/2002 03:13:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

At least with physical fatigue, there is an obvious limit. How fast you run is determined by your physical dexterity. How long you run is determined by your stamina. How much labor you can do is determined by your muscular strength. Over-stress your body, you have tangible indicators to stop you. Like pain.
So when do we know when you are mentally drained? Burnt-out. Intellectually fatigued. Demoralized. Are there physical indicators as to how much is too much? Is it when you start having the desire to jump around your room like a monkey and hoot like an owl? One that flew over the cuckoo's nest. Hoot hoot.
kellykelly, 12/10/2002 03:31:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
3 hours of sleep last night
Where's the sweet slumber to cut me out like a light?
3 hours of sleep the previous night
Where's that coherent mind now out of sight?
4 hours of sleep the night before last
I'm getting delirious pretty fast.
3.33 hours of average sleep a day
This ain't my normal life in the East Bay!
Tick-tock the deadline's coming close
Yet I'm procrastinating with this stupid prose
Wait, a poem it technically is
But who gives a fuck, I'm fucking pissed
The last couplet did not really rhyme
Neither will this, but I don't fucking give a dime
"The paper's gotta be done
Will get done"
Says my sensibility
"It's your responsibility!"
So go ahead and slog slog slog
And leave this cute li'll blog
Because fuckin'-A
I want my A
kellykelly, 12/10/2002 12:03:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, December 08, 2002

See what random sites your random thoughts lead you to.

I'm sitting here doing my geography essay on Malthus and Chinese demography. And while zonking out with boredom (or I'd like to believe, resting from the intellectual intensity...HA!), the most air-head thought pops into my mind: hey I had a good hair day today. hmm...I wonder why. I think it's because I didn't use hair conditioner for once. Because I've been realising that when I put too much conditioner in my hair the day before, it always turns out too limp the next day.

So I go to my neat google toolbar and type "hair conditioner" in and this pops up as the first link: Tipking ("Timeless tips for an easier, safer and cheaper future")
"Mayonnaise hair condtioner
To condition your hair, put mayonnaise on it, then put on a shower cap and spend an hour in the sun. It deep conditions it."

That is just so sick.

And I can't believe I'm putting that as my blog for today, when I've tons of other great stuff to write about over the weekend to show you what a cool person I actually am, like the tons of studying in the library, tons of studying in the cafe, tons of studying at home, with tons of procrastination in between and tons of welcomed distractions from tons of internet surfing, tons of chatting with friends at the cafe and the library, tons of throbbin', slammin', thumpin' techno from Douglas' awesome sound system, and tons of slimey succulent salmon sashimi and slurping raw oysters with Teddy at Blowfish. Now I've a fucking ton of incomplete work in front of me.

B-b-b-but...those distractions were just so fun. It's worth it (so she says now before she kneels over and dies with fatigue/panic 2 hours before her final paper is due on Monday afternoon).
kellykelly, 12/08/2002 08:59:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Saturday, December 07, 2002

I know this sounds kinda sad, but it's kinda cool hanging out in the library. Berkeley's library has one of these big-ass wooden chairs that I can cozily curl my tiny ass in. I can bring my laptop to the cafe just outside, or just stay inside the library when I really wanna concentrate. I can connect my laptop to the internet via wireless internet or the library's ethernet connection. Best of all, I've realised that I've unknowingly established quite a lovely network of acquaintances and friends by the frequent hellos and chats I get from people walking in and out.

Plus, the toilets have the funniest little graffiti on them...the stall I was in had this stupid tread of "Grout" jokes. So here are some I could remember:
"What's all the fuss agrout?"
"Grout, grout, let it all out."
"Oscar the grout"
"I feel down and grout"
"You disgust me with your groutesque shit"
"Twist and grout"
"Grout America"

And (I don't know why it is) my personal fav:
"Grouto Marx"

All I need now is to see the requisite library streaker that people always report everytime the finals season comes around. Dammit...I've been here working so long I deserve the entertainment...and it better be good...as in a guy...a cute yummy one...

(This is what writing an essay on Malthus and China does to the brain.)
kellykelly, 12/07/2002 09:33:00 am | link | 0 comments |
My brother was on the local news (in Purdue University, Indiana) because of an electric plane he and his school mates built. You can see pictures and links to an mpeg of that news snippet in his homepage.

aww...I'm so proud of my brother. I can only imagine how proud he is of his project. I can only imagine how proud my parents must be of their son who's so proud of his project. I'm excited to attend his graduation next weekend. He'll be the first person in the family to be a college graduate. Ain't that cool?
kellykelly, 12/07/2002 02:59:00 am | link | 1 comments |
I left the campus yesterday in a haze of illness (the flu), insufficient sleep and impending work-to-be-done. And there was this moment I experienced when I was walking to my car:

It was eeriely silent, foggy and dark on campus. (This sounds like a start to a bad horror novel.) There was no reason in my fatigue and unfinished work to feel happy. But there's something about extreme fatigue that transports me to a different realm of body and mind...like how I unjustifiably justify my bitchiness and snappish-ness when I'm tired because when I have this pile of work in front of me, I give myself the license to Dennis-Rodman myself and be bad as I wanna be, and be utterly selfish because nothing else matters but myself and my work and my inflated sense of value because of this work. So amidst this self-pity and irrational self-indulgence, I exist in a swirl of self. (That was such a bad sentence. I couldn't find a better word/phrase to replace that last 'self' because 'self' seemed to reflect what I really mean, but at the same time I know it doesn't really make sense to anyone but me. Ah-ha...therein lies the narcissism again! I apologize.) The pathetic fallacy of the foggy air to my frame of mind, which was already hazy with the lack of sleep and illness, sharpens this sense of narcissism even more. So my mind, frustrated with so many external thoughts, was invariably channelled internally to think of nothing but the accute awareness of just the mind itself. All these factors led up to that weird 5-second 'moment' I experienced walking by myself, listening to nothing but my own breathing, where I felt...cheesy as this sounds...so alive. More cheesiness: I felt suddenly so aware of my own soul and being, and exprienced a momentarily sense of complete peace and joy because nothing else seemed to matter but my own breathing.

I don't know if I've described that strange moment accurately or not...but it was quite a lovely moment, only possible through the haze of irrationality. I guess that's how some people feel when they are either meditating or giving themselves up to a complete unquestioning faith in their religion. (I might try the former. The latter scares me.)

Then I got home and took some flu medication, which comatosed me for 12 hours straight. The drugs completely knocked me out like a light, sucking out 12 hours of my life where my body just lay there, with thoughts not thought and actions not done...the former as if to compensate for that heightened sense of self just an hour before...the latter as if to pre-empt the obscene amount of work I will (yes I will) do today.

Of course writing here just means that I'm procrastinating. So without further ado, adieu.
kellykelly, 12/07/2002 02:11:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Thursday, December 05, 2002

More reasons to brush up on my Chinese...

I'm sitting here in the FSM cafe. Teddy and his friend Kevin are sitting opposite me and we are all yakking in Chinese. And these are two white all-American dudes. And I am asking them how to say a few words in Chinese because I forgot them. Jimmie turns to me and says, "You are asking them how to say something in Chinese?"

My ancestors are turning in their graves.
kellykelly, 12/05/2002 03:26:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Hurrah! I bought the Canon Powershot S330 digital elph (I love these unnecessarily long techie names) online just now. =) My first digital cam. *rubbing hands with glee*. Yay materialism!

And I aced the history essay I was writing about that 'Chinese Village, Socialist State' one (re: Nov 11 2002 entry). Yay placing-my-self-worth-on-grades-that-don't-matter-in-the-larger-scheme-of-my-life!

AND I'm having a good hair day. Yay superficial vanity!
kellykelly, 12/04/2002 01:10:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
The phrase "piecemeal waking" popped into my groggy head this morning. What a pain it was to wake up at 830am after 4 hours of sleep. And I had to hit the snooze buttons on 2 alarm clocks 5 times. But I think snooze-button piecemeal waking is the optimal solution to a painful task...it eases you into waking...with every hit of the snooze button, you become more able to accept the shitty reality that you must wake up.
kellykelly, 12/04/2002 06:18:00 am | link | 0 comments |
(written last night at 315am, but couldn't post cos blogger.com had some issues. Which is kinda weird cos alot of this post had time references...)

Well, I did my good deed of the day (which should karma-compensate for my intention to skip my 8am lecture tomorrow...it's 315am! I need sleep!): I lent someone my pencil (a long, nicely sharpened one too!) at a cafe today cos he needed it, and gave it to him when I left before him. Ok, it's a stupid good deed, but it was nice of me, was it not? So what if it wasn't on a Mother Theresa scale. If someone gave me a pencil when I really needed it, the value of that pencil would be worth tons to me at that time, and that'll put a smile on my face for the rest of the day. So there. I've justified my karma-upping for the missed 8am lecture. So the powers-that-be should keep the playing field level when I take my finals for that class.

It'd be interesting to trace the path of this pencil huh? I wonder where it'll go. Maybe it's already laying in a trash can after the guy carelessly leaves it on the table when he parts the cafe, and that grumpy and bitchy and FOB-ish (Fresh Off the Boat...the Singlish version would probably be cheena or suah koo) lady at the counter tosses it away along with the used napkins before she closes for the day. Or it could be nicely placed in his backpack, off to wherever he lives. This dude was a big black guy with a Jamaican accent (he kept singing to himself while doing his homework too). Who knows...that pencil might be off to the Caribbean by the end of this semester.

I'm getting ahead of myself. I really should sleep. Now.
kellykelly, 12/04/2002 06:09:00 am | link | 0 comments |

Monday, December 02, 2002

I wonder what the list of Google search history for each individual looks like. Mine for tonight looks like "canon powershot s330/colin farrell/oatmeal recipes/803.11b ethernet card/black pepper (i just bought a mini pepper mill)/atcl piano/nick hornby/yoda/wireless internet faq/best digital camera/mushrooms nutrition/circuit city/roger dodger". I love Google. It's the most useful search engine ever. The hype is true.

But, God, what a non-night this has been. It's almost 650am and I've not slept yet, spending the night surfing the web, it's terribly addictive, links lead to more links which lead to an deluge of random information, and you can't stop...but I need to sleep. Now. Bye www.
kellykelly, 12/02/2002 10:55:00 pm | link | 0 comments |
Deconstructing the Male

Watched Roger Dodger today. I liked the movie. I liked this review because it recognizes the movie as a Nick Hornby-genre flick. To those not "in the know", NH is the "spokesman for the modern man". I've read all of Nick Hornby books (his best book was his awesome first novel 'Fever Pitch' which is one of my fav books ever. Worst book is his most recent novel : 'How to be Good' which was a major disappointment, most of the disappointment probably came from the expectations I already had). I like these works that attempt to explain the male species, strangely not for the reason that they explain men, but they act as a balance to the plethora of female diatribes out there.

See, while I love 'Sex and the City' and the like, dare I say that I hate most 'feminist' talk? 'Feminist' in its generic stereotypical image...and I can't really specify what irks me about it, but I've a feeling most people know what I'm talking about...that 'chip' some females have on their shoulder, when they become all defensive, or feel like they have something to prove, then try to act like the man, that ultimately, in my opinion, makes them hypocritical and more misogynic than the misogyny they criticize. A typical example is in a scene in 'Roger Dodger', where Roger and Nick are in an after-work bar, with 2 women they just met, engaging in one of those annoyingly superficial and self-important bar/cafe chit-chats. And one of the women starts complaining about how demeaning it is that women are commodified, why men have to stare at women so much, and how would men feel if the women kept staring at his crotch (à la a man staring at a woman's cleavage) while they talk, blah blah blah. And she comes to a bar with just another female friend, perfectly made-up, looking gorgeous in her push-up bra. "Whatta bitch!" I spluttered to Jeff seated next to me.

It just irked me listening to her and I can't specifically state why. It's not her dressing up for a bar thing, because there's nothing wrong in wanting to be attractive. It's the hypocrisy revealed in her words vs. her outfit. Why must she complain about men ogling at women while she clearly thrives on that fact, and thus perpetuates it. For that matter, why is there a stigma in admitting that aesthetics does matter? Maybe it's because I've been lucky enough to have never faced overt gender discrimination (at home or socially) so far. So I don't feel a need to compensate for a lower starting point. So I don't feel that female empowerment (which I believe in, the definition of which, however, is still just as nebulous in my mind as "feminism") requires me acting like a man. I vaguely recall a conversation with Douglas pertaining to this, where he rationalized it down to the fundamental and rational division of labor (correct me if I paraphrased you inaccurately). For me, I just do not wish to want to stare at a crotch while having a conversation.

So I think that empowerment requires me to educate myself, to be secure with who/what I am, at the same time to be sufficiently dissatisfied with myself to constantly seek to improve myself mentally and physically (although I have to admit that I have far far more dissatisfactions than security). And to be as decent as possible to other people. And I also think it requires me to try very hard (because it's so easy and tempting) not to manipulate the double standards that too many females use. So this is the "code of principles" that I have created thus far, like Vronsky in 'Anna Karenina'. You can read more about this Part III/Chapter 20 of the novel if you are free. But unlike Vronsky, my code of principles are so generic and un-dogmatized, so rather that being a convenient set of rules that eliminates difficult dilemmas (which religion does, I think), I find myself in constant mind-fucks because this stupid moral compass of mine is always in constant flux.

But I digress from my original topic. What was it? Oh yeah, deconstructing the male. So what's my point about that? I have no freakin' clue. Ok, so some guys can be "jerks" sometimes, but alot of girls are terrible bitches alot of times too, and there are many many lovely guys and girls out there too. And really, if all guys can look as h-h-h-hot as Colin Farrell, all the above attempts to rationalize human nature kinda becomes defunct. Maybe if I got into a conversation with him, I might find myself desiring to stare at his crotch. Oops...I'm applying that double standard and blatantly commodifying a male. Someone spank me.
kellykelly, 12/02/2002 07:22:00 pm | link | 0 comments |

Sunday, December 01, 2002

It's World AIDS Day today. Just want to spread consciousness, information, and the word. I'm a firm believer in education when it comes to things like this. The most important prevention.
kellykelly, 12/01/2002 08:07:00 pm | link | 0 comments |